1st Draft
I was standing in line feeling confident then Ant's calls up the next two for aibsailing. I climb up the ladders I say in my mind I can do this I finally reach the top. I look down its a pretty far down she ties all of the ropes on my belt now I start to shiver.she tell me to go behind the bar now I feeling frightened. Know I'm saying in my head " do I really want to do this" well I have a harnise on so I won't fall. My heart beats like it never ever has before thud thud thud goes my heart I'm going down the mat shivers go up my spine one by one. Elly tells me to turn around to take a photo. I look down and see Roalind I start to jump bang my knee hits the wall I keep on bouncing. My feet thumps on the ground.Ned one of the parents unhooked me. I reach my arm up and shout " that was so fun" I go up to Rosalind and say " it's fun don't worry about it " Ants calls up next two she climbs up to the top and I cheer her on. I loved aib sailing.
2nd Draft
I was standing in line feeling confident then Ant's calls up the next two for aibsailing. I go through the building wher you have to climb up the ladders climb up the ladders say to me don't worry I finally reach the top. I look down its quite far down she ties all of the ropes on my belt now I start to shiver.
she tell me to go behind the bar now I feeling frightened. Know I'm saying in my head " do I really want to do this" well I have a harnise on so I won't fall. My heart beats like it never ever has before thud thud thud goes my heart
I'm going down the mat shivers go up my spine one by one. Elly tells me to turn around to take a photo. I look down and see Rosalind I start to jump bang my knee hits the wall I keep on bouncing. My feet thumps on the ground.
Ned one of the parents unhooked me. I reach my arm up and shout " that was so fun" I go up to Rosalind and say " it's fun don't worry about it " Ants calls up next two she climbs up to the top and I cheer her on. I loved aib sailing.
3rd Draft
I was standing in line feeling confident then Ant's calls up the next two for aibsailing. I go through the building where you have to climb up the ladders. I say to myself "don't worry " I finally reach the top. I look down its quite far down she ties all of the ropes on my belt now I start to shiver.
she tells me to go behind the bar know I'm feeling frightened. Know I'm saying in my head " do I really want to do this" well I have a harnise on so I won't fall. My heart beats like it never ever has before thud thud thud goes my heart
I'm going down the mat shivers go up my spine one by one. Elly tells me to turn around to take a photo. I look down and see Rosalind I start to jump bang my knee hits the wall I keep on bouncing. My feet thumps on the ground.
Ned (one of the parents) unhooked me. I reach my arms up and shout " that was so fun" I go up to Rosalind and say " it's fun don't worry about it " Ants calls up next two she climbs up to the top and I cheer her on. I loved aib sailing.
4th
I was standing in line feeling confident then Ant's calls up the next two for aibsailing. I go through the building where you have to climb up the ladders. I say to myself "don't worry " I finally reach the top. I look down its really far down she ties all of the ropes on my belt now I start to shiver.
She tells me to go behind the big yellow bar know I'm feeling frightened I didn't think would be this high. Know I'm saying in my head " do I really want to do this" well I have a harnise on so I won't fall. My heart beats like it never ever has before thud bump thud bump goes my heart.
I'm going down the mat, shivers go up my spine one by one I can feel the tingle. Elly tells me to turn around to take a photo. I look down and see Rosalind I start to jump bang my knee hits the wall I keep on bouncing. My feet thumps on the ground.
Ned (one of the parents) unhooked me. I reach my arms up and shout " that was so fun" I go up to Rosalind and say " it's fun don't worry about it " Ants calls up next two she climbs up to the top and I cheer her on. I loved aib sailing.
Descriptive vocabulary (words that help to SHOW the reader)
use a range of verbs
use a variety of adverbs
Language features (phrases that help paint a picture)
select 2 - 3 similes
select 2 - 3 metaphors or personification
choose onomatopoeia to show sounds (crash!)
select words that start with the same sound (alliteration)
Sentences
use short sentences to create suspense
Structure
use 3 - 5 paragraphs. Overall, how well do you think your learning partner has done? I think Serena has done a really good job
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